He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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