Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
4 words: hood of his car
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
