proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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