My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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