I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
