if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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