I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
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Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
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And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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