The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
