i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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