Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Success! We fucked roommates!
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