bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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