every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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