I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
