I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
