the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
