I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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