dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
