i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
