...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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