apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
