I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
