god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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