so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
