Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
