we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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