the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
