Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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