My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
