I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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