just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
