You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
