I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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