I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
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And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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