I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
