he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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