You're so nebulous sometimes
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
