So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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