Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
