if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
