Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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