either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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