I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
