I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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