dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
