He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
