someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
