Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
