Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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