I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
