im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media