When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
