and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
