1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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