dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
