theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
