im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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