awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
