guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
