I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
