dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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