New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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