im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
