Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
