i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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