the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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