I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
